Do we have
souls? And if we do, do they mate? Is there life after death? And if there is,
do relationships continue in it? I can imagine him looking her in the eye (or
she looking him in the eye) and continuing that line of thought into some kind
of cheesiness. But I had a big argument over it, this idea of a…‘missing rib’;
that we are born incomplete; that there’s a perfectly matched soul mate out
there, somewhere. So, I asked, What if they get run over by a car? Before we
get the chance to meet? Is that it then? Eternally bereft of even the
opportunity of true love?
But there is no
need to be that fatalistic. What if we do
meet and she doesn’t want me? Is it wired into the DNA of a soul mate to
love the other soul mate, like it is wired into the DNA of flowers to turn
towards the sun? Is that how it works? I see you; you see me; and something
independent of our freewill wells up inside, and sweeps us into each others
arms? Fate. Sounds creepy, not the idea of love, but the idea of suddenly being
overtaken by a force (or power, or compulsion, or whatever you want to call it)
I have absolutely no control over, that directs my behavior, even against
carefully cultivated common sense, towards a destination I am powerless to
resist. (I’m picturing Romeo drinking poison in a burst of passion here.) My
personal opinion: any force that can move people to do things they’ve not
really thought through is, at best, suspect; increase the degree of compulsion
to a certain level and I might even call it witchcraft.
And it’s not
that I don’t believe in God. I just don’t think He’s a witch. I think we tell
ourselves these things to dodge the burden of being entirely responsible for
the decision we make to be, or not to be, with someone else. Because that’s
what it is, a decision you make, like
all the other ones you make all the time. It helps if you think it through as
clearly and objectively as you would think through the decision to let a total
stranger into your home. (Wait, isn’t that what you’re doing?)
So, when someone
asked me, “How did you know she was ‘the one’?” I said, “I don’t.” And they
looked at me funny. But I knew what they were really asking. You see, everyone
is looking for the assurance that
love will last forever, that this relationship will never fail, that it would
survive, no matter what. So, they create the myth of ‘soul mates’ and ‘missing
ribs’, of a love that transcends time and space, of bonds which cannot be
broken because they are between spirits, nonetheless. But a relationship won’t
work because the two people in it were, somehow, pre-destined for each other. A
relationship will work because the two people in it work hard at working well
together. You want assurance? Can you share a silence, the two of you? Can you
live with the things they promise you now they will change, but may never get
round to changing? Will they be happy in the places you would love most to be?
Will you be out of place in their own destinations?
If you can find
answers to these kinds of questions just by looking into their eyes and
listening to your accelerating heartbeat, then you have some serious skills.
More likely, you are going to have to ask and listen, watch and learn to find out
if you are both reasonably compatible. And even if you are, it still wouldn’t
mean ‘happily ever after’, because people change and stuff happens. It’s not
easy to admit this to oneself, but, in this life, the only thing you will ever
have total control over is who you are, and what you will, and will not, do. But
it will always take two to make a relationship work. So, in that sense, you can
never have total control over whether your relationship will work or not,
because you can never have total control over what the other person chooses to
do, or not do (yes, yes, even if they are your ‘soul mate’). And if, sometimes,
it seems as if a mysterious force is able to make someone fall in love, you
will often find that it is never able to keep them in such a state indefinitely.
Sooner or later, character breaks free.
That’s why the
only assurance you can ever truly give when you say those words, “I love you”
is that YOU are prepared to do everything WITHIN YOUR POWER to make the
relationship work. No more. The idea of ‘soul mates’ obscures this truth.
Sometimes, people think that because they are in a relationship with their
‘soul mate’, the relationship would just work somehow, like this vehicle can
drive itself. It’s a lot sadder though when people think that because they are
in a relationship with their ‘soul mate’, the relationship MUST work. So, they sit
tight through the most horrendous abuse, refusing to face the truth, accepting
sole responsibility for making things work, absolving the other person of any
blame.
So, I prefer to
see with clear eyes.
If we go a step
further to live up to these promises, then you may stand in admiration, because
you would be in the presence of something more precious than the proverbial match
made in heaven. For there is no greater miracle than that of two independent
individuals, capable of living life to its fullest separately, deciding
nonetheless, and joyfully too, in spite of all its difficulties, challenges and
inconveniences, to make a determined go at living life together. Should they
come even close to success, please feel free to stand up and applaud.
Image taken from
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