Friday, April 25, 2014

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE…

Sometimes, it will shock you how satisfying the simplest things can be. I'll tell you something. Once, when I was in secondary school, in form four, I used to sit out on the field in the evenings to watch the sun set. Me and two friends of mine. One was called Jiles (short for Ighile) and the other one we nicknamed Bolo. And when it was night, we would watch the stars and tell stories, and wonder why it was so important to know the nineteenth element on the Periodic Table. What?

That was the time in my life I used to turn back to look at the mechanics working at the entrance to Ojuore GRA. Every time we drove by, I would turn to look at this particular mechanic with his ragged oil stained clothes, and I would envy him. Because he looked so – honest to God – happy. Now (that I'm grown up), of course, I agree with my mum. She said, 'You'll thank me later. But, no, you cannot drop out of school to become a mechanic.' Because life is not that simple, and nothing is exactly as it looks.

You know, I think it was a search for meaning. Because rap didn't make much sense to me either, and it didn't matter much that liking it was synonymous with being cool. You see, I wasn't cool. No, no, it's okay. You don't have to protest. I really wasn't cool. I didn't know labels or brands, makes of cars, or the release dates for the latest versions of Street Fighter.

So, on my first day at Uni, when every department seemed to require a passport picture, I walked out the school gates to a roadside photographer. The camera sat on a long tripod, and was covered with a black cloth, underneath which he disappeared to snap me. I tell you, in this life, I have never been uglier than in those sets of pictures. But I didn't care. I still used one of them on my i.d. And, one day, when that i.d fell out of my pocket accidentally, the guys standing around for a lecture had a good snigger. Honestly? I thought it was a bit rude, seeing as I hardly knew them and they hardly knew me. But there was this one guy who didn't laugh, just picked it up and gave it back to me. His name was Ja'afaru.

We're still best friends, and sat many evenings, legs dangling down the rough brick wall that fenced off the hostels, just talking. He was the one that asked me, 'Why don't you like rap?' And I said, 'I don't understand what they're saying.' So, he said, 'Either let me fly, or give me death. Let my soul rest, or take my breath. If I don't fly, I'll die anyway. I better move on 'cos I'll be gone any day.' Then he added, 'That's DMX.' I still sing it to myself, you see.

And so, the other day, when it was raining like someone had opened a trapdoor in heaven, I said to my people, 'Hold on, let me bring the car closer'. I did, backing the 406 right up to the corridor where they were all standing, with bags of shopping, before popping the boot open. But the really fun part was when we started going in one by one, squealing through the rain and into the car. First the two year old, then the four year old, then me, then her. You know how it is, don't you? When it's dark and rainy outside, but you have everyone you love in the car with you, plus each one's favorite chocolate?  So, we just sat there, engine running, watching the water streaking down the windows.

Honestly? To me, that's what a fairytale is. Because, in this life, there are too many things we do just so other people think we're happy or successful or intelligent or good-looking or whatever, like take science courses instead of arts, or a glass of beer when you know you should be drinking water. But being myself has brought me good things. You know what? I'm glad I didn't become a mechanic. That wasn't really the point.



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Friday, April 11, 2014

REMORSE

Have you always had my breakfast
Ready at the crack of dawn
And watched me walk past
Eat…leave…with the briefest smile at our son?
Has that look always lingered in your eyes, of pain
As my footsteps died in the hallway
As I walked away from another argument, left you alone again
Just when your heart ached with things to say?
Have you always been this good with the children;
Filling the spaces I left with flowers
Masking the pain so you could be fun around them
Though you were alone in the night for many hours?
Have your eyes always brimmed with tears…?

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Friday, April 4, 2014

CHOICES

I believe this: even if man had the capacity to live forever, he wouldn’t. For there is a way in which Life is not just the function of a beating heart; there is a way in which it is only the function of the will to live on. So, when I was asked that terrible question, ‘But how do you KNOW she’s THE ONE?’ I didn’t hesitate. I said, ‘I don’t.’ What I really meant to say was ‘there is no proof’, not in the swing of her hips, or the way the thought of her makes me stop in the middle of the street and laugh to myself; all dependable indicators, yes, but none that incontrovertible proof they were asking for, that this thing I was getting into was unbreakable.

It’s my greatest epiphany, you see. I used to wake up at night and wonder, ‘What if I wake up at night and it’s gone?’ Don’t lie to me.  If you’ve fallen in love before, you’ve fallen out of love before.  And I dreaded it, THAT moment, when the stone that had been hurtling upwards all this time begins to slow. Ah! How do you break the news to the other, that they are no longer ‘the one’? Do you search for lies when they ask, ‘But what did I do?’  Or tell the truth, ‘Nothing’? And what if you’ve had kids with them already, built this complicated life together already? Yes. What if it’s the morning of your fiftieth?

I used to have these thoughts… Then I said to myself – ‘Dike; feelings, like tides, will rise and fall but Love, surely, must be something more’. So, let’s ask a different set of ‘What ifs..?’ What if you took it all away; stripped it of every sonnet, every violin in the background, every gold-tinted sunset and gentle, meandering path? What if you ground it down to its irreducible minimum? Surely, there would be something left, something that held true regardless of who. Parent, friend, lover or your own child, something common to each instance you’ve ever said it, and meant it, ‘I love you.’ If Love lives at all, surely, it must be in that common denominator.

So let me hold on to what is real for a moment. You see, I have no fears of waking up one morning and ‘not loving’ my mother ‘any more’, or of discovering after many years that I don’t ‘actually’ love my daughter. And, yes, you could say, ‘Of course you wouldn’t, they’re your blood’, but in this same world there are those who creep into the beds of their own children. No. That bond you speak of is not in our genes. It’s in our heads. It’s in the things we’ve been raised to accept without question: you love your mother even if she’s a witch, you stand by your brothers, you take care of your father when his strength is gone, and if (God forbid) your child is born with six fingers and two toes, you kiss her gently still and say, ‘You are more beautiful than art, I swear.’

Yes. Regardless of how Walt Disney likes to end those fairytales of his, there are actually no ‘feelings’ that last forever. Don’t let anyone fool you. This is the nearest we will ever come to it, to make up our minds, independently of anything they are or will ever be, that come what may, no matter what, each time they look to us they WILL find succor. For at its core that is what it is, not a poem or a song or a colony of butterflies in the pit of your stomach, just a line you draw in the sand and refuse, thereafter, to step over. Love is a choice; more than a choice, Love is a faith. And I believe.


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