At a point, it was all the rage, how you had to learn the ‘love language’ of your significant ‘other’. So, I was told, don’t get her flowers if flowers don’t mean jack to her. But what if they mean the world to me? Then, you’re being ‘selfish’, they told me right back, because you shouldn’t be loving her how YOU want to be loved, but how SHE wants to be loved. It’s not about you! I had it screamed at me so many times I began to believe it. It’s all about her! ‘True Love’ was the very second I attained that lofty height – where making her happy was what made me happy. But! Everything in moderation! I am a human being. And I honestly think that THAT level of selflessness is a bit beyond me. Moreover, I got tired of being miserable.
Because, you see, we all put our backs into it. So, you come home from work early, even made the torturous detour into that insane Wuse market to find the right ingredients, just because you want dinner to be waiting when he gets home. But he’s a nit-picking freak. So, the only thing he notices is how untidy the kitchen is. And right after swallowing his first ball of eba, he looks up and says – You know what would have made this soup better? Periwinkles. Didn’t you see any in the market? Murder flashes through your mind, but the syllabus says that you’re the ‘selfish’ one – not speaking his ‘love language’.
Honestly, I understand the syllabus. But something is way off if it doesn’t matter that I nearly spilled blood to bring you these flowers, to write you this poem, to tidy the house, or wash your clothes; if the end product itself is of little value to you, how about my footprints, the miles I trekked to fetch it; how about what it cost me? How about the fact that, ultimately, I did it because I thought you would like it? Shouldn’t that count? Yes, it is true, I thought you would like it because I would have liked it. But I didn’t know that another definition of ‘selfishness’ was ‘to do unto others what you would like them to do unto you’! It really hurts when you refuse to eat my jollof rice just because there is no meat inside. Does that make me a bad person, thinking to myself that you could have, at least, said - Well done?
Tell me - how many times do we walk past what we have, looking for what we want? Sulking because he didn’t take you out to dinner – again! But he was up all night coaxing Junior back to sleep, pacing the hallway, singing lullabies. And you hate the ties you keep getting for your birthday. Doesn’t she get it? PS3, goddamit! But you’ve been eating three times a day, like clockwork, and don’t even know the way to the kitchen. So, what, should I just shut up and smile, pretend I love these things that don’t really matter to me? Hell, yes! Okay, fine. Everything in moderation. So, I’ll be fair. It is selfish if I don’t take the time to find out what you actually like and do those things. BUT! It is also selfish if you don’t appreciate what I go through to get you stuff, even if you don’t actually like the stuff I get you. So, we meet in the middle. I learn your language; you learn mine. That way we can always be grateful – if not for what we get, then for what it cost to get it - sounds a lot more like ‘True Love’ to me.
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