LIVING WITH SECRETS

There are always things we dare not tell about the past, sometimes about the present, sometimes about the things we fear in the future. But they are there, at the backs of minds. And when Love is particularly intense, they even torment us, clawing their way up to the tips of our tongues. But would they still love us if they knew? Not as confident, not as strong, not as perfect as they think. No. I have secrets. And they are not cute - ugly welts across my back, broken in places, still oozing pus. How can you see me like this?

Sometimes, when I cry, you’re not the one that has hurt me. It is not what you just said. But there memories that are not memories at all, and they take advantage of any opportunity to manifest. Often, people over-react for reasons they do not themselves fully understand and, even if they did, they couldn’t explain it to you. We are all fragile in unexpected places; a casual word, an off-hand rebuke, a meaningless (to you) comment could push against an unhealed emotion. So, it helps if one of us is able to step back and see – This anger, this hurt, this pain, these expletives hurled out of curled lips, are NOT about me. And, instead of lashing back, take a deep breath and say – I’m on your side.

Because, there are days when Love means just that – to take sides even before you have ALL the facts – for no one ever knows the whole truth on day one, not even about themselves. When we think we’re over people we’re not actually over; we think we’ve seen the last of habits that we still have; we think we’ve forgotten things that we’ve only chosen not to remember; we think we’ve healed just because the wound has been replaced by a scab. But being together puts pressure on everything, and whatever is not truly strong is relentlessly revealed. You cannot hide in plain sight. And your inner demons will follow you, even into Paradise.

So, let me make it easy for you. They are your secrets. Tell me if you want. Keep them if you want. If you want, I will wait quietly in the next room, while you struggle to push them down again; straighten your tie, touch up your make-up; put your ‘face’ back on; I will say nothing when you come out; hold your hand and smile; tell you, you missed a good joke on TV. Because, I know, if I was looking for proof that you love me, that what we have matters to you, then this is it; you, afraid to tell me; hiding things you think will hurt me; struggling alone to put these things behind us.

You know what? I don’t even know if I really want to hear it. I CANNOT guarantee that it will NOT change something. But if you NEED to tell me, if it is something you need to do FOR YOU – God, help me – I will listen with lips pressed into a silent line. And when you finish, no matter how hearing it made me feel, I will nod and say – Okay. And if it is all I say, don’t worry. Because, I know, if I was looking for proof that you love me, that what we have matters to you, then this is it; you, here, showing me your ugliness, asking me for help.

So, let it be. It breaks my heart. But I will live in peace with you and your secrets, if you will live in peace with me and mine.

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